you want more fans, i want more stage.

As many of you guys, I might say that I have this serious love and hate relationship with my beloved city, the city where I was born and grew up: Jakarta. And the fact that my life has been so attached with this city makes me want to escape dreadfully and dreaming to leave for somewhere far desperately. I always feel like my future doesn’t exist here. I always believe something big is waiting for me somewhere else. This city is too small for me. But sadly speaking, the fact today is telling me that I have no capability or having the slightest chance that seems can give me the hope of living somewhere else than here.

So here’s the issue, I’m attached but I don’t feel attached to it. It’s like you’re having a boyfriend that has been treated you with all the good and bad for so many years but deep inside you dream of someone else to be your husband.

What am I trying to say? Shit man, I really have no idea. I’m just so freaking wired these days.

Like for example; I’m half Japanese, half Javanese, born and grew up in Jakarta. People expected that I got some Japanese values that applied in me since probably the first time they heard my name. But truly, my mom, as the real Japanese woman, doesn’t look, act, or even think like a common Japanese woman. She’s an outcast in her own country. So how can you expect something Japanese comes out of me? And trust me, I know nothing about Javanese culture and can’t even relate with every single of their old and conservatives values.

But of course, any Betawians won’t admit me to be part of them even the fact says that I’ve been living in their land like forever. The local Chinese thinks I’m sort of part of them, I can see how they fondly welcoming me into their community. I speak mostly in Indonesian with Jakartan accent, mixed with English with lousy grammar and poor expressions. And without trying to be more important than any of you guys, let’s come to think of it, I believe we all agree that this country, mostly the people who live in Jakarta, suffer this thing that I called an identity crisis.

I don’t know about you guys, let’s have a look in our everyday life. I wake up in the morning I eat bacons for my breakfast, eat Italians for my lunch, and I eat Thai for my dinner, I feel more related with many of the characters from American TV series much more than Indonesian sinetrons, I mix Japanese and European fashion for my style, I watch French movies, listening to Brazilian songs, read English magazines and Japanese comics. And that entire thing can just happens in one day. So I made a conclusion that there is no way for us not to have any international affairs even in the smallest part of our life.

Well, this is 2008 yo! We can be Indonesian and at the same time also part of the member of global population in this world. Hail Internet!

So what is the necessity of having a strong nationalism today? Let’s see…

As a person who works as an illustrator, whenever I saw a painting from artist that I adore, I can instantly notice that there’s a certain range of colors and beautiful lines of brushing from Asian artists in their works, great sensuality from Japanese artists, wittiness from Americans, bold culture from Europeans, and so on. Their works are not just great but also fully textured with a strong culture of where they are belongs to. I believe that’s where the originality came out of them. And originality is probably one thing that any artist in this world would die to have.

And as an amateurish struggling artist, I really want to have that strong texture in my works. And I’ve been wondering how do I get that. But if suddenly I try to draw batik or wayang characters into my works that can be called being pretentious with myself because none of that has been part of my life. I don’t even have any pair of kebaya in my closet. Everything about batik, wayang, gamelan and the rest, I know only at the surface. Thus, that’s why I tried to dig my own roots but got lost instead.

Being born in 1983 and grew up in a city that already losing its heritage cultures, surrounded by shallow and superficial pop cultures, dealing with globalizations and buttoned-down local principles, is just not easy. Everything is just so distorted.

And I just think it is so exciting to see what our generation will become in the future.

Now, you may think that I seem like trying to make a justification of our lack full understanding of our own root, if not saying that Cinta Laura is not blameworthy of what she is.

So if someone asks what is it that makes me an Indonesian? I say… I eat sambal ulek almost everyday. That's just the best answer I can get.


And all of this stupid analysis didn't give me the light that can guide me to leave this god damn rotten city.